From the mouth of mamas in the trenches: Minding a Miscarriage

October is Miscarriage and Lost Baby Awareness Month. A bittersweet remembrance of little loves lost but never forgotten.

Statistics place 4 out every 5 women have experienced a loss through miscarriage. If you have 5 friends, that means 4 of them have experienced this profound loss sometime during their life as a mother.

Miscarriages happen for so many reasons, so many of them unknown and so specific to each individual, although this does not provide any relief or consolation to a grieving mother or parents.

When I experienced my loss, it was a tough time. I did not choose to share my loss with people outside my immediate circle, so many friends or co-workers had no explanation for my isolated demeanor. In fact, I don’t recall sharing my loss with anyone in that moment. I felt too ashamed and irresponsible. I was mad at my body for betraying me. I was angry with my partner for making us wait to try for a baby until we had purchased a house. I was mad at myself for waiting until I was on the other side of 30 to start contemplating my family plan. I felt really alone, heartbroken and was hurting so deeply. I don’t think I told anyone as I did not want to hear people stumble with their responses upon hearing my loss, as it can be an awkward moment with either stunned silence or a well meaning but off putting condolence.

During this time, I did have a close friend who was far along in her pregnancy and I did tell her but only months later. Her reaction was almost as if she were afraid my miscarriage might be contagious (btw, it is not a contagious condition). Friends were announcing their pregnancies left and right; I just could not muster the joy to celebrate their happiness. Such isolation enveloped me.

The heartbreak does diminish over time but it never goes completely away. It is softened by the arrival of other babies but always remains deep within the heart, sometimes welling up when least expected.

You are not alone. This is not your fault. You did not do something wrong or miss doing something else right. There is no logic to miscarriage, only deep emotional ties. You will move forward, at your own pace. You will try for another pregnancy when the time is right. Or you may not want to ever again. Your heart will heal, in time, bringing with it a strength in yourself that you never knew you had but was always inside you.